I don’t remember how to be Gwen

Today I dropped Pearl and Miles off for their first day of summer camp.  And by day I mean half day.  And by half day I mean 2.5 hours.  2.5 hours is half a day according to the city of Toronto…interesting.

The kids have never been to summer camp before.  I have always entertained them in the summer but this year I thought we could all benefit from some outside help.  So this afternoon I delivered them to the appropriate room in the chosen city community centre at the specified time.

They were so excited to be going to camp.  Pearl misses school and this was a bit like going to school so she was excited.  Miles has never done anything without me except stay at the gym daycare and so he was a little nervous but excited to go and relieved that Pearl would be with him.  I filled in the appropriate forms, kissed them goodbye and left them laughing and playing.

I was about a half block away when I realized I was nervous.  Not for the kids but for myself.  What would I do?  Where would I go?  How was I going to fill 2.5 hours for 5 days?

After taking a stroll I found myself at a toy store picking up stuff for our cottage vacation.  While shopping I kept feeling like something was off.  Where were the questions?  Where were the little hands that try to touch everything?  Where was the whining about it taking too long?  And as annoying as those things usually are to me, I missed them.  I am so used to having a child by my side that I have forgotten what it is like to navigate the world without them.  I have been so busy being Momma that I have forgotten how to just be Gwen.  I actually felt uncomfortable today just wandering around by myself.  It was such an odd feeling.  Most days I am desperate for a little quiet time but today the quiet seemed deafening.  The kids were kind enough to make sure there was no more quiet for the rest of the afternoon.  🙂

 

Miles is changing his number

Happy 4th Birthday Miles.  Today you change your number.  It has been a sad week for you as you have struggled to let go of being 3.  You have come to me in tears a number of times this past week because you were going to miss being 3 and that you wouldn’t remember being 3.  I promised you that I will remember and I will.

You are a special boy who can make us laugh or make us crazy.  You are a ball of energy with no off switch.  You love anything with an engine, you make constant sound effects, and you are incredibly funny, loving and sweet.  You have an amazing imagination and put it to good use every day.  You have had an imaginary friend named Poe for about a year now.  Before going to bed tonight you started crying because Poe was going to play with your toys.  When I told you to tell him not to you, you responded that Poe never listens to you.  In support of your sister getting glasses this year you have also been wearing imaginary yellow glasses for months now.  These are just a few examples of your imagination at work.  You can find fun in just about any situation.  This is a skill that I hope you hold on to.

I would be lying if I said 3 was all sunny moments.  It wasn’t,  (terrible twos have nothing on the terrifying threes) but it was a year filled with discovery and love and laughs and memories.  This year you will start school and a whole new world will open up for you.  (I can’t talk about that just yet though cause I will miss you a lot.) It is amazing to watch you changing and learning new things.

Happy Birthday Buddy.  Welcome to your new number.

 

Pearl is 5. How did that happen?

As I sit and watch my kids sleep I am in disbelief that Pearl turns 5 tomorrow.  While some days feel about a year long, I find it shocking that she is 5 already.

Pearl, you and I are a lot alike which leads to some special bonding but also a lot of head butting.  You challenge me constantly and although I try to rise to the occasion there are many times that I fail and instead of nurturing your strong will I am overcome by frustration.   I am sorry for all the times I have yelled when I should have hugged, for all the times I chose chores over quality time with you and for all the times I walked away when you just wanted to be close to me.

I love you so much and I am proud of the person you are and will be.  You make me smile and you make me cry and I wouldn’t change you if I could.  You are a special little girl that makes the world a brighter place.

Happy Birthday Kiddo.  I know you are so happy to be turning 5 and I hope it is all that you hope it will be.

Happy 3rd Birthday Miles

As Miles would say, he has a new number today.  He is free.  Today we celebrated Miles’s 3rd birthday.  He not only got the SpongeBob party he asked for but he also got his first new belt in karate.  I am very proud of both my kids for getting new belts today.

Miles has changed a lot in the last year.  With Pearl starting school he has had more one on one time with me and he has had to navigate his own way through the days without having Pearl dictate what happens.  It has been interesting to watch him change.

Miles, you have become a chatterbox.  You talk almost as much as Pearl does.  And that is saying something!  You are cuddly and affectionate and laid back and very funny.  You ask a lot of questions and love being my sidekick.  And I love our alone time together.

Happy Birthday Buddy.

A New Phase Begins

Tomorrow I will be taking Pearl to her first day of school.  I can’t believe my wee gal will be going to school already.  Is she ready?  Yes.  Am I ready?  I’m not sure.  I know that this next phase is inevitable –  I am not going to tackle home schooling so my kids will have to go school but I have mixed feelings about the whole thing.  Pearl and I have a relationship that is sometimes filled with sweet memories and sometimes filled with frustration and tears.  She is a strong willed, stubborn, intelligent, independent child and she challenges me everyday.  Sometimes I rise to the occasion – sometimes I don’t.  I think school will be good for both of us.  I also know that I will miss her terribly.

For almost 4 years, Pearl has been my side-kick.  I have been home with her since she was born.  I saw her first steps, I heard her first words.  I was there when she learned new things and saw the joy on her face as she realized what she was capable of doing.  And now someone else will get to see these things.  It makes me sad to think that she will be discovering new things and I will learn about it second hand when she gets home from school.  Intellectually I understand this is necessary for her to grow and mature, but my heart kinda hurts to think I will miss so much.

I am excited to be able to spend more quality time with Miles though as he has never experienced being an only child.  He has always had to share me and I think it will be great to focus on just the two of us for a change.  But he will miss Pearl a whole lot.  They are best buddies (even when they are driving each other crazy) and they love to be together.  I think it will be an adjustment for them both to be apart for most of the day.  Pearl is the boss though and Miles may enjoy being able to make his own rules and play his own games. 🙂

So as I prepare Pearl for her first day I am filled with mixed emotions.  I know I am not alone in this.  I know parents everywhere have the same thoughts.  But that won’t make the tears any slower tomorrow morning when I walk away from the school without my girl Pearl.  I’ll miss you Kiddo!  I can’t wait to hear all about your new adventures.

Happy 2nd Birthday Miles

Happy Birthday Buddy!

Wow!  I can’t believe you are 2.  Well actually some days it feels more like 10 years since we met you.

As you get older we get to see more of your personality and you are a truly special boy.  You  are funny and goofy and cuddly and kind.  You are usually easy going but seem to be adopting some high drama persona from big sister Pearl.

You love your big sister completely and try your best to play by all her rules and you will give up any toy you have to make her stop crying.  While this is very sweet of you, I believe that Pearl has realised she has you wrapped around her finger and uses this to her advantage.

The last 2 years have been filled with special moments but we have also had a lot of struggles – mostly brought on by my fatigue.  You are a snuggly kid who still needs to cuddle with Momma to be able to sleep.  Although you have at least transitioned to spending part of each night alone in your own bed.  I slept sitting up for a solid 16 months while holding you so this is a huge improvement.

Your smile lights up every room and you are not shy about flashing your dimples at any audience you can find.  It’s not hard to find people to charm however as you and Pearl draw a crowd wherever we go.

Not all our time together is fun and easy but it is rewarding.  Watching you learn new things, listening to your vocabulary grow (thanks to your chatty big sister pal) and helping you become more independent is a gift.  I may not always look like I know that, but I do know how truly blessed to have you as my son.  Even at my worst moments looking into your big sparkly eyes brings a smile to my face.

Happy 2nd Birthday Miles.

Who loves Miles?  Momma does!

 

Farewell Regal Beagle

Dear Regal,

In the wee hours of Saturday morning you left us. You were curled up next to me where you have always slept and I can only hope that it brought you some comfort in your final hours. To say we will miss you doesn’t even begin to express what we are feeling right now.

After your amazing recovery from a terminal cancer diagnosis in May we were feeling optimistic about having you around for a long time. Unfortunately nature had another plan and you developed some sort of inflammation on your brain this past week that you just couldn’t beat. You surprised the doctors with your results from the cancer medicine and you shocked them again on Saturday – unfortunately not in our favour this time. The inflammation wasn’t supposed to be fatal – I guess they got it wrong.

From the moment you snuggled your little nose in my neck and clung to my shirt when we picked you up at 8 weeks old, you have been my dog. You were loved by us all, but you and I had a special bond. You were never very far from me and I feel that absence now.  You have been such a presence in our lives and for a wee dog you have left a huge hole. There are so many things in the day that just don’t seem right without you here.

You were frustrating and a challenge sometimes but also the sweetest, gentlest, goofiest, kindest dog anyone could ever ask for. Your patience with the kids was remarkable and it hurts my heart to think they are too young to really remember how wonderful you were and how much they loved you.

I am devastated that you are gone but I am thankful that you are no longer suffering.  It was so hard to see you struggling to just walk around the house this past week. 

You were a great friend that didn’t deserve the hand you were dealt. I can’t believe you are gone.  Six years wasn’t long enough to love you. 

You will always have a place in my heart Regal Beagle.

Happy Birthday Buddy!

Dear Miles

Today you turn 1. It has been a rewarding but difficult year for all of us and I can’t really believe you are 1 already. You are almost walking and although you are not talking yet (except to say banana) you are certainly very capable of communicating your point. Especially if there is something you want to eat. 🙂

While I have struggled to adjust to having two kids you have done your best to make it easy for me. At least during the day. You have never slept in your crib and still sleep on me most nights which certainly doesn’t leave me feeling very restful. Please start sleeping in your own bed – things would be easier with more sleep.

You have a laid back personality and when you smile your entire face lights up and lights up the face of everyone around you. You adore your big sister and it warms my heart to watch you two laugh and play together.

I know you have had to cope with more of Momma’s frustration than you should but I promise I will try to do better – if you promise to start letting me sleep.

It has been a special year and I look forward to the next one when you start talking and walking. Things are gonna be crazy! 🙂

Happy Birthday Buddy! Who loves Miles? Momma does!

Letting Go

Today my big girl went off to daycare for the first time in her 21 months. She isn’t going to go all the time but we have some free days we can use and we figured it would be good for her to have the exposure and good for me to get a break and allow me to focus on Miles. As I said goodbye this morning I was filled with feelings of apprehension as she has never spent the day with strangers before. In fact she has spent very few days away from me in her life. I have peeked in on her on the daycare camera and she seems to be doing fine but I wonder what she is feeling as she goes through her day without people she knows. I suspect the day was harder on me than on her however as she seems quite eager to interact with new people.

How odd it feels to be without her today. It is strange how quickly you adjust to having two children and how empty the house seems when one is not around. Miles however is probably enjoying the day as he gets to sleep uninterrupted on Momma all day – just how he likes it.

I know that Pearl benefits from new experiences and will most likely have a blast today but it is definitely stressful for me to let her go out in the world alone. Momma misses you Kiddo!

Letter to AP

Dear AP (aka Another Patchett)

Your big sister was called BP (Baby Patchett) before she came out and met the world and we needed something to call you too – so you became AP.

You are scheduled to arrive in one week and I have to say I am getting very impatient for you to come out and meet the world. I know you have probably felt a little neglected as you baked up in Momma’s belly because most of my time was spent trying to take care of your big sister. But that doesn’t mean I am not looking forward to meeting you or holding you and snuggling you close. As much as I will love being able to look into your eyes and see you start to recognize the world around you, I will miss our special time together. For the past nine months you have been all mine and although my body is more than ready to move past pregnancy – a part of me will miss feeling you roll around inside. (Although I won’t miss the early morning acrobatics that you seem to enjoy)

So Little One, as I count down the days until I get to hold you, I am filled with wonder at whether you are a girl or boy, what you will look like, will you be like your big sister or completely different and a million other thoughts about who you will become. My biggest hope is that you are healthy and that Momma’s stress over the past months has not been too rough on you.

See you soon Little One!

Momma