The importance of really being there

How many times a day do you ask someone how they are?  How many times do you truly care what the answer is?  How many times a day do you even listen to the answer?  In Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott talks about how real conversations only happen when you decide to ”be here, prepared to be nowhere else”.  Since reading that I have been paying more attention to how many times a day I am not “prepared to be nowhere else”. 

In a world where phones are ringing, blackberries are buzzing, people are interrupting and brains are spinning with a ton of things it is difficult to take the time to really be in a conversation.  I have noticed that I am often looking at my email, glancing at the clock and thinking about other things when people are talking to me.  By not giving them my full attention, what am I missing?  Am I giving up opportunities for human connection by not being prepared to be there and nowhere else?   

Since noticing that I am often distracted when people are talking to me, I have been actively trying to focus more on the conversation and block out the distractions.  I look away from my monitor, I ignore my blackberry and I pay attention.  I am not sure the people around me have been noticing a difference but I have.  By truly being present in the conversation, I retain more of what they are saying and I think I give them more of what they need from me.  I am certainly not perfect and I still do get distracted but I am actively aware of it and I am getting much better. 

[tags]Susan Scott[/tags]

No more “but” about it!

I am currently reading a book that Linda has been telling me to read for ages. (well actually badgering would probably be a better description of what she was doing) “Fierce Conversations” provides a number of tips on how to have better conversations. Although the book is technically a business book, it does give tips to apply the techniques to both business and personal conversations. I don’t tend to buy into the tips in books like this and so I have some level of skepticism as I go through it. I am however trying one of the first techniques. I am trying to remove “but” from my vocabulary and replace it with “and”.

Susan Scott writes that using “but” in a conversation creates competing realities which adds strain to the conversation and the situation. By using ‘but’ you are forced to choose one reality or the other and you always feel as though you lose. By using “and” instead you create the feeling that there are just multiple things you have to focus on – they aren’t competing, they just exist. For example, take a sentence such as “The deadline for my project is approaching but I still have a number of tasks outstanding” and replace the “but” with “and” so that it reads, “The deadline for my project is approaching and I still have a number of tasks outstanding”. With the substitution of just one word the statement turns into less of a complaint about a hopeless situation and into more of a statement of what needs to get done.

I have been practising this technique for about a week now and although in some cases the substitution is not grammatically correct (which drives the anal English student in me crazy!), it does make my conversations more positive. Making the substitution is far easier in writing than it is in conversation however. I never really noticed how often I use the word “but” in a day. It takes focus to remove it entirely but…er and I think it makes a difference.

Phew – it found another good home

I was beginning to worry that no one had picked up the book I released at Union Station the other day but today I received an email notifying me that someone had picked it up. I was so relieved. I was beginning to feel like I had let the book down by leaving it in a place where no one would pick it up. I am so happy that it has continued on with its travels. This first successful release with motivate me to get my own book out there soon.

Happy trails to you

A little while ago, I caught my first “wild” book. I finished reading it the other day and decided that today was the day to release it back into the wild. Hopefully the book will find its way out of Union Station and into the hands of someone who will keep the book travelling. I felt a little weird leaving the book just sitting on a bench. It felt a little like littering. But it is exciting to think about who picked it up and where it will end up. Now I just have to decide which book of my own I am willing to let go of so that I can register it on BookCrossing.com and let it begin its journey.
[tags]Book, BookCrossing, Union Station[/tags]

I caught one, I caught one!

A few months ago, my friend Taras told me about a site that tracks books as they travel around the world. I later learned that my buddy Mark is actually a member of the site. BookCrossing.com allows you to log a book in their database and they assign a tracking number. You then leave that book in a public place with the tracking number. Someone else then picks up the book, goes back to the site and logs the book and enters a little blurb about where they found it. Then they read it and release it back into the wild by leaving it in another public place for someone else to pick up. I thought it was a really neat idea but I haven’t had time to register or to decide on what book of mine I am willing to give up.

Well this morning as I was picking up a coffee at my neighbourhood Starbucks, I saw a book sitting on the counter. I initially thought it belonged to someone but then I saw the post-it on the front. “I’m Free! I’m not lost!” it read. I began to smile as I realized that I had just found my first travelling book. It is so cool! I am now in possession of a book that was initially released in New Hampshire in 2004. It is not a book I would normally read but I will give it a whirl as it is the first in what I hope is a long list of travelling books that I will find. I also registered on the site tonight and will soon be releasing a book of my own. I can’t wait to see the path it will take and how far it will travel.
[tags]book, Starbucks, BookCrossing.com[/tags]

Who do you compare yourself to?

In his book “The Paradox of Choice“, Bary Schwartz talks about what motivates our choices. He talks about how some people feel better about themselves and their choices by comparing themselves to those who are worse off and how some people find it motivating to compare themselves to people who are better off. So I have been thinking about which side I am on. Does knowing I have better things than some people make me content or am I motivated to acquire better things because some people have more than I do? I actually don’t think I fit into either category. I make my choices based more on comparisons I make with myself. When I was younger I didn’t think I would ever get to where I am today and so the simple fact that I have choices is satisfying to me. Whether other people have more or less isn’t really part of the equation. Like everyone, there are times when I am envious of something someone else has, but I certainly don’t link my personal satisfaction on it. There is nothing wrong with a little healthy envy but how happy you feel about your own choices should never be controlled by what others have or don’t have.

Is too much choice really a bad thing?

I just finished reading The Paradox of Choice. It was actually a pretty interesting book – although the author could definitely have presented his point in fewer pages. Bary Schwartz claims that the more choices we have the less happy we are with any choice we make. He believes that we feel a degree of loss and regret over the options we don’t choose and because we have so many choices there is more regret and therefore less happiness. Schwartz does recognize that having no choice is not good either but he thinks there is a point where the number of choices goes from healthy to unhealthy. Although I do agree with his thoughts about there being such a thing as too much choice, I am not willing to accept the notion that I will never be happy with the choices I make. I think the trick is to accept that although there are things out there that may appear to be better than what you have, you chose what was best for you. And as long as your decisions are educated ones, I see no reason why happiness would be impossible to achieve.

What have I sacrificed lately?

“Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret. It’s something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices.” Mitch Albom

The above quote is from the book ‘the five people you meet in heaven ’. I read this book over Christmas and there were some parts that I found interesting. I think that sacrifice is something that we should all aspire to. Making a sacrifice for the benefit of someone else is what makes us better people. It keeps us connected to the world around us. When I read this section of the book I spent some time thinking about the last time I actually made a true sacrifice. I tried to think of sacrifices I had made recently for someone I love or for the world in general. I was a little disturbed to discover that I couldn’t think of one. How self-centered have I become that I can’t think of one true sacrifice I have made recently for someone else? If sacrifice truly is something to aspire to in life, what does it say about my quality of life that I can’t think of even one sacrifice I have made lately?

How will you be remembered?

Imagine you are at a funeral. Imagine yourself walking into the room filled with people you know and love. Then imagine it is your funeral – 3 years from today. What would you want your family to say about you? What would you want your friends to say? What about your work colleagues? This scenario is given by Stephen Covey in the book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” as a way for people to think about how they want the world to see and remember them. The scenario is a little morbid (especially for those of us with a death phobia) but it is powerful. Take a minute and really think about it. What mark do you want to leave on the world? How do you want each of these groups of people to remember you? If the funeral was in 3 weeks instead of 3 years – would people say what you want them to? How close are you to who you want to be?

For those of you who are content with who you are – congratulations. For those of us who are not – it is never too late to change. If you want to be remembered as helpful – help someone. If you want to be remembered as kind – think twice before taking a hostile attitude with the people around you. If you want to be remembered as a loving daughter/son – do something nice for your parents. Even the smallest steps can make a huge change in perception. I guess the hardest part is figuring out exactly how you want to be perceived.

Positive thinking or ignoring reality?

Written August 26, 2005
As a general rule, I do not read self-help books. For the most part I find them a little hokey and not particularly helpful or ground breaking. I can understand their importance in validating what people already know but I have never really bought into them as a means to better our lives. However, a friend gave me “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” to read and I promised I would. So that was my vacation reading book. The first habit deals with proactive thought. Covey’s basic idea is that instead of reacting to things that happen to you, you should make things happen – be proactive. He uses an example of weather. As you can tell from my week of entries – weather has been a bit of an issue for me this week. So in his example he says that people who are bummed by the weather are reacting to it – they are letting the weather affect them. People who are proactive bring their “sunshine” with them wherever they are.

Well Mr. Covey, no amount of proactivity is going to allow you to overlook 6 straight days of rain. I tried to ignore it and enjoy myself, but at some point it just became impossible. So at what point do we just decide that no matter what we do, circumstances won’t change? Is there a time in each situation where we just have to call it quits and admit that no matter how proactive we are, we can’t change the outcome? If we keep trying to change it are we being proactive or just ignoring reality? How fine is the line between the two?